3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Someone came in the potted fern
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
