He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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