Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
