My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.