I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
