i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
