I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's shark week go big or go home
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
