I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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