I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
