my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
