Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
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the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
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We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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