dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
