you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
