he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
