PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
