Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
