The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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