You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
