My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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