So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
