He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
