Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
