I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
