Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
