Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
