Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
