bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
