Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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