i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
