nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
