McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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