Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
