We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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