If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
