That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
