Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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