I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
All the doctor said was why
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
