guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
