dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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