I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
