white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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