What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
