i permit you to call me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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