I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
