I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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