have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
