Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
