dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
