Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
