just tell him i said nine months
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
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there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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