Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
