i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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