she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
